TV Listings

When I click the word “Guide” on my TV remote, I get a list of what program is on each channel. The descriptions are limited to one sentence per program. Sometimes they list the actors, sometimes not. Sometimes you get the year made, sometimes not.

The descriptions are surreal. Last night I encountered this: Six cheerleaders lost in the woods must battle a time traveler wielding a magic sledgehammer. 2010.

So, of course, I thought of you all. Certainly we can do better than that. Please write up some real or fictitious TV listings for our entertainment.

31 responses to “TV Listings

  1. I think that we are limited to a single sentence here. I picked one of my all time favorite 80’s movies. Classic.

    Jack Burton (Kurt Russell), an over-the-top truck driver, must battle his way through Chinese wing-choppery and defeat a 3000 year old sorcerer, Lo Pan (James Hong), to get his truck back along with the pretty girls that were abducted. 1986

  2. A wiley blonde takes advantage of the Bruin family’s lack of household security and ransacks the place before falling ill with narcolepsy. 1837.

  3. An orphan farmboy acquires some expensive self-propelled hardware and the blueprints for a lethal satellite – space travel and violence ensue.

  4. Cupid acquires human form and moves to New York City to play matchmaker for some unlikely opposites.

  5. CSI Mayberry…..Criminalist, Barney Pfife investigates allegations that Aunt Bea’s Sewing Circle is really a front for Bea’s house of ill-repute, called “Whores Galore” where everything is laid except the carpet.

    Porcupines and Parolees…..A group of recent parolees try to wrangle a herd of pissed-off Porcupines.

    Real Housewives of Sheboygon…the show follows these feisty She devils as they go about their everyday lives of mediocrity and routine in a small, depressed town in Michigan.

  6. This isn’t original to me, but it’s a perfect fit.
    “THE WIZARD of OZ.” Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.

  7. Pseudo-writer attempts a short story and kills his muse.
    No other listings at this time.

    • Late one night in Oklahoma, as the wind comes sweeping down the plain, a murdered muse comes back to life and stalks the writer who killed her, intent on biting his throat and restoring his creativity. Based on a true event.

  8. OK. So, I whiffed on the first try. And now for something completely different —

    Exposé Tonight : Investigative reporter Al Troupe uncovers the harsh truth that Chinese film dubbing technicians are all deaf.

    Exposé Tonight : Al Troupe exposes the truth on the growth of the population in India – Sex -Who knew?

    Exposé Tonight : Al Troupe, investigative reporter, reveals the seedy side of farming.

  9. Sexpose – Undercover reporter spends $250 to sit in a room fully clothed with a fully clothed woman who doesn’t speak for an hour.

  10. Here’s a reminder to check out all the new shows premiering this fall on NCB.

    My Mother the Newton Message Pad – Just imagine Colonel Williamson’s surprise when he discovers his deceased mother has been reincarnated as a 1993 Apple Newton Message Pad! She’s an iPod, a phone, and internet communications device. An iPod, a phone, and an internet communicator. Are you getting it? She’s none of these in a single device. Laugh along as Mrs. Williamson learns to live in a touch screen world while using a stylus.

    Lepers – A gritty drama about a camp for kids who are sick. Not the ‘stay home from school’ kind of sick, but the really sick kind of sick. Sure, they’re sad when they lose a friend, but it’s even sadder when they make a new one. If you’ve been happy lately, or possibly even smiled at a stranger, you should check out “Lepers,” featuring an all new cast each episode.

    Handy Doody Time – Mondo TV at it’s best! Our producers travel the globe to bring you the strange, the bizarre, and the strangely bizarre. Just where do they ‘go’ in Mozambique? What is the proper ‘seat etiquette’ in Istanbul? And why, in Jarkata, do they never shake with the left hand? Educational television at it’s best! Make time to enjoy this program with your youngsters and watch them become ‘world travelers’ right in your own living room.

    So What If I Did Do It? – A crime drama so powerful, it could only have been ripped from the pages of a crime drama. Each week, an ‘alleged’ infamous criminal will spend an hour telling their side of ‘the story.’ In week one, NCB goes inside a SuperMax facility to talk to the “Unabomber” who, viewers will discover, has legitimate complaints about bag fees on United Airlines. So what if they did do it? Don’t you want to know, the rest of the story?

    The Evening News at Eight – The modern world is a busy place. You’re at the bar chasing skirts until seven, and way too messed up to understand global finance by nine. That’s why we created “The Evening News at Eight.” The perfect time to discover everything that’s wrong with the world. Have you heard about our new show, “Lepers?” The previous episode is on at seven, you can catch a new episode, with an all new cast, at nine.

    So, here at NCB, think we’ve got a pretty good line-up for this fall. Why don’t you ‘tune in’ and ‘drop out’ on those other networks that simply offer the same old thing year after year?

    • It didn’t take you long to discover that this challenge was a perfect fit for you. I think you may have to contemplate a career change. Or perhaps we should all get together and collaborate on a few pilots for next season. Aunt Bea could rule the Leper colony, Cupid could move to Sheboygan, the Unabomber could attack the Emerald City, and Goldilocks could take over Alcatraz. It will be great fun while we watch the world economy implode next week!

      • Thanks, I actually thought I’d get a bit more criticism about ‘Lepers’ than I did with Snookums, “The Mutant Dog.” Go figure.

    • Classic.
      I think that Exposé Tonight is moving to NBC.

      Exposé Tonight : Al Troupe digs into to find that the program directors at ABC really use random word generators to find plot!

  11. Gary, these are priceless and could actually be developed into real shows. If Honey BooBoo and Jerseylicious can make it, why not Lepers? wonderfully witty !

  12. Judge Judy In Gitmo.
    Frustrated by being denied habeas corpus, prisoners put their faith in the process all America believes in. (Canned laughter track optional)

  13. Is Something in the Water?: The absence of natural selection caused by kind-hearted liberals results in an isolated group of inbred self-publicizers who claim that Hillary Clinton is the mother of an alien baby and Barack Obama is planning to paint the White House black. Science.

  14. Opening Today:
    A scientific female astronaut working on the Hubble gets bombarded by space debris and spends two hours trying to get home. The gravity of the situation will pull you in. PG due to wet dreams about George Clooney.

  15. Jaws: Brave volunteers attempt to rescue victim from burning bus using Jaws of Life. Rated R for intense suspense.

  16. Jaws: Resort town sheriff finds he needs a bigger boat.

  17. Wag the Dog : true story of how this country gets in messes.

  18. Survivor Washington: Two opposing teams use tactics and alliances in a contest to ensure everyone loses. (Not suitable for adults)

  19. World Federation Congressional Wrestling: Tag teams stretch WFCW rules with boastful lies to the media and sweaty new blocking maneuvers and until the arena implodes and the whole world is sucked into a black hole. Sci Fi.

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